Sunday, November 20, 2005

I hate tomorrow

I've had my cat, Clyde, for 16 and a half years. I found him at a restaurant named Clyde's, in Georgetown, Washington, DC, when he was only a few weeks old.

He predates my children, he predates my husband, he predates my professional career, he predates my degree. He is a living tie to the memory of my mother, who wasted an entire summer playing with Clyde, then a kitten, with me.

And I think tomorrow I have to put him to sleep.

Recently, the roots of his teeth began abcessing so suddenly and so aggressively he had open sores on one side of his face overnight. Two surgeries and many antibiotics later, that was resolved, but he was still losing weight and slowing down.

And now, in the course of two days, the eye on that same side has rolled up, and the cheek that was normal Friday now has a hard, golf ball-sized growth on the upper inside.

I would have taken him into the Emergency Vet if I thought there was any hope, but I don't. And I can't explain it, but I want a Vet who knows him and knows me and knows all my animals to tell me there's no hope.

I've given him some kitty painkillers I had left from the Emergency Vet from the abcesses (all animal emergencies seemingly occur afterhours/on the weekend in this house.)

I know he has had a long life. I know he has had a good life.

This is nothing as encompassing as the pit in my stomach I felt when my mother's death was imminent, but I still hate tomorrow.

Fearful expectation or anticipation Synonyms: apprehension, apprehensiveness.
"dread." WordNet 1.7.1. Princeton University, 2001. 21 Nov. 2005.