Humanimal Farm

sheep
1. A person regarded as timid, weak, or submissive.
2. One who is easily swayed or led.
"sheep." The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. Answers.com 17 Dec. 2005. http://www.answers.com/topic/sheep

goat
A lecherous man.
"goat." The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. Answers.com 17 Dec. 2005. http://www.answers.com/topic/goat

cat
1. Informal. A woman who is regarded as spiteful.
2. Slang. A player or devotee of jazz music.
"cat." The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. Answers.com 17 Dec. 2005. http://www.answers.com/topic/cat

hen
Slang. A woman, especially a fussy or nosy old woman.
"hen." The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. Answers.com 17 Dec. 2005. http://www.answers.com/topic/hen

duck
1. Slang. A person, especially one thought of as peculiar.
2. Chiefly British. A dear.
"duck." The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. Answers.com 17 Dec. 2005. http://www.answers.com/topic/duck

rooster
A person regarded as cocky or pugnacious.
"rooster." The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. Answers.com 17 Dec. 2005. http://www.answers.com/topic/rooster

chick
1. A child.
2. Slang. A girl or young woman.
"chick." The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. Answers.com 17 Dec. 2005. http://www.answers.com/topic/chick

dog
1. Informal. A person regarded as contemptible.
2. Slang. A person regarded as unattractive or uninteresting.
"dog." The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. Answers.com 17 Dec. 2005. http://www.answers.com/topic/dog

cow
A large unpleasant woman.
"cow." WordNet 1.7.1. Princeton University, 2001. Answers.com 17 Dec. 2005. http://www.answers.com/topic/cow

turkey
Slang. A person considered inept or undesirable.
"turkey." The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. Answers.com 17 Dec. 2005. http://www.answers.com/topic/turkey

mule
1. Informal. A stubborn person.
2. Slang. A person who serves as a courier of illegal drugs.
"mule." The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. Answers.com 17 Dec. 2005. http://www.answers.com/topic/mule

ass
A vain, self-important, silly, or aggressively stupid person.
"ass." The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. Answers.com 17 Dec. 2005. http://www.answers.com/topic/ass

"I'm a nutarian."

So a woman I recently met informed me, clearly expecting that I knew what being a nutarian entailed. I nodded as if I did, then made a mental note to look up the term to avoid possible gaffes.

nutarian
noun
A vegetarian whose diet is based on nut products.
"nutarian." Worthless Words for the Day. Michael F. Fischer, 2005. Answers.com 17 Dec. 2005. http://www.answers.com/topic/nutarian

gaffe
also gaff
noun
1. A clumsy social error; a faux pas.
2. A blatant mistake or misjudgment.
[French, from Old French, hook.]
"gaffe." The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. Answers.com 17 Dec. 2005. http://www.answers.com/topic/gaffe

Thief

My mother was our Brownie/Girl Scout Troop Leader. A teacher, she was one of the few working mothers of my class, but she was the one who stepped forward, offered to start the troop, lead the troop.

It was cookie selling time, which was the main fundraiser for Girl Scouts. My mother, ever health conscious, ordered two boxes of the boring oatmeal cookies for our house. That's it. I, eight years old, was expected to deliver alone the prepaid orders of yummier Thin Mint (chocolate with mint) cookies and Tagalongs (peanut butter and chocolate) to our neighbors, knowing we would have none in our house.

I was weak, but my love for peanut butter with chocolate was not. I stole a box of Tagalongs from the stacks in our garage, and, hiding behind a bush in a neighbor's backyard, I devoured them all then threw the empty box in her trashcan.

Later that night, as I lay sick in bed, having confessed my crime and suffering from the ultimate tummy upset, my mother lay a soothing hand on my forehead and told me I would have to tell the troop what I had done, I would have to repay the cost of the cookies, and I would not receive the yearly cookie badge with the other scouts.

I have never stolen anything since.

tagalong
noun
One that persistently follows another.
"tagalong." The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. Answers.com 16 Dec. 2005. http://www.answers.com/topic/tagalong

Teacher Man

A quote from pages 74-75 of the recently published Frank McCourt's Teacher Man, which I am currently reading, having read his two previous autobiographical works and enjoyed them immensely. The speaker is the mother of a vocational student complaining about the assigned English vocabulary list at an Open House.

See what I mean? You people are out of it. You don't have handkerchief on the list and he'll be blowing his nose the rest of his life. And you know what you got on the list? Usufruct, f'Christ's sakes, u-s-u-f-r-u-c-t. Who came up with that one? That one of those words you throw around at your fancy cocktail parties in Manhattan? Now what in hell is Paulie going to do with a word like that? And here's another one, c-o-n-d-i-g-n. I asked six people if they knew what that meant.
McCourt, Frank (2005) Teacher Man. Scribner. ISBN: 0743243773

usufruct
noun
The right to use and enjoy the profits and advantages of something belonging to another as long as the property is not damaged or altered in any way.
"usufruct." The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. Answers.com 16 Dec. 2005. http://www.answers.com/topic/usufruct

condign
adjective
Fitting or appropriate and deserved; used especially of punishment.
"condign." WordNet 1.7.1. Princeton University, 2001. Answers.com 16 Dec. 2005. http://www.answers.com/topic/condign

Ice ice, baby

Schools here are closed today due to inclement weather, which unfortunately is ice rather than the more enjoyable snow.

inclement
adjective
1. Stormy.
2. Showing no clemency; unmerciful.
"inclement." The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. Answers.com 15 Dec. 2005. http://www.answers.com/topic/inclement

Usually on school mornings, I have to wake and drag my seven year old from his bed at 7 am, foggy-eyed and foggy-minded. However, on weekend and school break mornings, when one could conceivably sleep in a bit, he has an uncanny knack of waking up earlier than that and wanting to get his day started immediately. He must have some internal school closing barometer, for this morning he woke at 6:30 am of his own accord and bounded into the kitchen for breakfast, all

bright-eyed and bushy-tailed
idiom
Eager and alert. The allusion here is to the appearance of a squirrel, which with its beady eyes and bushy tail looks ready for anything. [1930s]
"bright-eyed and bushy-tailed." The American Heritage® Dictionary of Idioms. Houghton Mifflin Company, 1992. Answers.com 15 Dec. 2005. http://www.answers.com/topic/bright-eyed-and-bushy-tailed

Our plan for today involves baking peanut butter cookies, drinking hot cocoa, and watching holiday movies snuggled on the sofa while a fire burns in the fireplace.

2's company, 3's a crowd, 4's an invitation to die

Articles currently on the Washington Post's AP wirefeed:

Four Bodies Found at Ind. Home; Man Held
Four Men Killed in Boston Shooting
Four People Killed in Ariz. Trailer Fire
Four People Shot Dead in Northern N.J.

numerology
noun
The study of the occult meanings of numbers and their supposed influence on human life.
[Latin numerus, number; see number + –LOGY.]
"numerology." The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. Answers.com 14 Dec. 2005. http://www.answers.com/topic/numerology

If Nigeria doesn't work, try Russia

Remember the Nigeria scams? Now it seems it's Russia's turn.

First paragraph from an email I was "chosen" to receive:

(mailed from emilss199@virgilio.it )

Dear Friend,

INTRODUCTION OF MY SELF:
I am GALINA ALOYOSHENKA, apersonal secretary to Mikhail Khodorkovsky and owner of the followingcompanies:Chairman CEO: YUKOS OIL (Russian Most Largest Oil Company)Chairman CEO: Menatep SBP Bank (A well reputable financial institutionwith its branches all over the world)Due to the political andeconomical motivated attacked on my boss who is currently serving jail,i have a profiling amount in an excess of US$15M, which I seek yourpartnership in accommodating for me. You will be rewarded with 5% ofthe total sum for your partnership. Please i seek your partnership onthis.

They should just open these missives "in search of a dummkopf"

dummkopf
noun
A stupid person; a dolt.
[German : dumm, dumb (from Middle High German tump, tumb, from Old High German tumb) + Kopf, head (from Middle High German, cup, cranium, from Old High German, cup, from Late Latin cuppa).]
"dummkopf." The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. Answers.com 14 Dec. 2005. http://www.answers.com/topic/dummkopf

This man isn't a dummkopf either, but he played one in his replies.

Dance or you die

A Washington Post article about excessively expensive and overly-planned Bar (and Bat) Mitzvah parties contains the following snippet about "the" party-planner du jour:

James got his start in the '80s, working as a "motivator" for a party-planning company, a job which required him to dragoon guests onto dance floors.

dragoon
verb
1. To subjugate or persecute by the imposition of troops.
2. To compel by violent measures or threats; coerce.
[French dragon, carbine, dragoon, from Old French, dragon.]

Nice party!

Awwww

Kittens hanging from tree limbs by one paw
Tiny puppies looking up from inside enormous boxes
Small children wearing adult suitcoats, ties, and fedoras
Precious Moments anything
Most every photo on This website

saccharine
adjective
Overly sweet Synonyms: cloying, syrupy, treacly.
"saccharine." WordNet 1.7.1. Princeton University, 2001. Answers.com 14 Dec. 2005. http://www.answers.com/topic/saccharine

That website is actually poking fun at cutesy, but one can find a veritable smorgasbord of visual schmaltz there.

schmaltz
noun, informal.
1. Excessively sentimental art or music.
2. Maudlin sentimentality.
3. Liquid fat, especially chicken fat.
[Yiddish shmalts, animal fat, sentimentality, from Middle High German smalz, animal fat, from Old High German.]
"schmaltz." The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. Answers.com 14 Dec. 2005. http://www.answers.com/topic/schmaltz

Snow to People

Comparing snowflakes to people is a common childhood lesson. Almost every winter, my mother would remind me that "Just as no two snowflakes are the same, no two people are the same." Only problem is...

However, the concept that no two snowflakes are alike is incorrect: it is entirely possible, but unlikely, that a pair of snowflakes may be visually identical if their environments were similar enough, either because they grew very near one another, or simply by chance. The American Meteorological Society has reported that matching snow crystals were discovered by Nancy Knight of the National Center for Atmospheric Research. The crystals were not flakes in the usual sense but rather hollow hexagonal prisms.
"snow." Wikipedia. Wikipedia, 2005. Answers.com 12 Dec. 2005. http://www.answers.com/topic/snow

Oh, dear. Another one of my mother's lessons debunked.

debunk
verb
To cause to be no longer believed or valued: deflate, discredit, explode, puncture. Informal shoot down. Idioms: knock the bottom out of, shoot full of holes.
"debunk." Roget's II: The New Thesaurus, Third Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 1995. Answers.com 12 Dec. 2005. http://www.answers.com/topic/debunk

You can make virtual snowflakes here. They just won't be entirely unique, apparently.

I just looked at the calendar

Two weeks? Two weeks?

I still have to wrap about 15 things, get stocking stuffers, get teacher gifts, get the riding instructor something, find the ornaments, decorate the mantel, arrange the family dinner with my cousin's family, plan and cook that, and get my holiday cards out.

I shouldn't be this far behind. I am never this far behind.

I am feeing rather

remiss
adjective
1. Lax in attending to duty; negligent.
2. Exhibiting carelessness or slackness.
"remiss." The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. Answers.com 12 Dec. 2005. http://www.answers.com/topic/remiss

Dead: not just an adjective

Chex Mix was on sale at the grocery. On a whim, I bought a bag of the Chocolate Turtle for the oldest. Oh my stars. It's not just tasty. It's dead tasty. Also dead unhealthy, I'm sure.

dead
adverb
1. Absolutely; altogether: You can be dead sure of my innocence.
2. Directly; exactly: There's a gas station dead ahead.
3. Suddenly: She stopped dead on the stairway.
"dead." The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. Answers.com 11 Dec. 2005. http://www.answers.com/topic/dead