Somebody needs to help a Vern out. 

if a man ever needed an undershirt, it's this man

It's another portmanteau, I can't resist sharing my favorites:

yip·ples n.

1. Unyielding projections of the male breasts of Mr. Vern Yip, home improvement celebrity.

I know Trading Spaces isn't as sensational as it once was. But in the heyday of that show, the yipples made so many appearances, they should have been regognized in the closing credits. Vern Yip has since moved onto bigger and more prestigious endeavors, unfortunately, the yipples are still on the scene.

"Are you registered anywhere?"

Grave
adjective
1. Requiring serious thought; momentous: a grave decision in a time of crisis.
2. Fraught with danger or harm: a grave wound.
3. Dignified and somber in conduct or character: a grave procession.
4. Somber or dark in hue.

Classroom and teacher assignments arrived in the mail today. Accordingly, I promptly checked the state registry to make sure my son's new teacher isn't an ex-con. Don't all parents do this?

Then I searched the registry for every person I've ever known.

One person I do not know personally, but who did make the registry, and who shares the surname of a good friend of mine (who has no convictions), has the first name of...

Squirrel

Which is a different sort of crime entirely.

Words Fail

Welcome to the world, Susan Anne Catherine Torres.

May your Mommy rest in peace.

The Susan Torres Fund

ATTN: South Korean Researchers

Of all the dogs to clone, you picked this one? Were you unaware that indigenous Thai dogs "can pick and peel coconuts to drink the juice"?

That one you picked looks like you crossed Ivan Lendl (facial features, body frame) with Yanni (hair). We didn't need two.

Superfluous
adjective
Being beyond what is required or sufficient.

Dear Boy Scouts: I hate you. -God

Exhibit A: SALT LAKE CITY -- Lightning killed one Boy Scout and injured three others while they slept in a shelter at a mountain scout camp, authorities said Wednesday.

Exhibit B: Last Thursday, an assistant Scoutmaster and a 13-year-old Scout were killed by lightning in California's Sequoia National Park.

Exhibit C: Four Scout leaders at the National Boy Scout Jamboree in Virginia were electrocuted July 24 in front of several Scouts after they lost control of a metal tent pole and it fell against a power line.

For those keeping score, that's GOD: 7 Boy Scouts: 0

Coincidence

noun

1. The state or fact of occupying the same relative position or area in space.
2. A sequence of events that although accidental seems to have been planned or arranged.

A coincidence occurs when unexpected parallels can be drawn from two or more events. In the popular sense it is used to describe events (or, more accurately, combinations of two or more events) which are of low probability.

Gauchos in gauchos aren't gauche, but all others are

gauche
adj.
Lacking social polish, graceless, unpolished.

gauchos
noun
1. Cowboys of the South American pampas.
2. Calf-length pants with flared legs.

Ya big baby!

ACK! I'm sure we've all said this at one point or another, but did any of us realize at the moment we said it that it was an oxymoron? I throw around many oxymorons, almost daily, without a blink. Not even a twitch. I found this site that lists a bunch of my favorite oxymorons... let's examine them, shall we? Yeah, this is when you perk the hell up and get interested!

Okay,here are a couple:
Common sense-How many people do you know that are lacking common sense? Yeah, you too huh? I know MANY. So sense isn't common at all. Something else that isn't common is courtesy! Common courtesy is a joke, not that I think it's ha-ha funny either because I don't.

Jungle gym-Ummmm, which one is it? Make up your mind, man. It's either a jungle or a gym. Also, it doesn't resemble a jungle at all. There have never been cheetah or any wildebeast at any neighborhood park I've ever visited. Not that I can recall anyway.

Frugal Gourmet-Anything that I tried to concoct that was less than $0.10 cents a serving tasted like some straight-up, donkey turds. So, while I'm sure that some are truly gifted at whipping up something tastylicious for $5 dollars, I'm not one of those people. So, frugal gourmet means something fancy to me--something fancier than just straight-up donkey turds. More like... say... FRIED donkey turds. I'm just sayin'...

Here's one that really fried my noodles-The Great Depression. WHAT?! What kind of sick person would name it that? I'm almost in tears because that is just about the most maniacal thing I've ever heard! What was so great about it, pal? HUH?! Not a damn thing... the horrors. Great depression... sickness all up and through that. It should have been called "The Horror" or "The Terror". Something to denote how awful this time in American history was. Holy...

Fat-free Ice Cream-Eff fat-free ice cream. Tastes just like my version of frugal gourment (see above), minus the frying.

Chili--Hell... that just means something entirely different. How misleading. Can you imagine if you didn't speak English well and one of the words you were certain you knew was chilly? I mean, wouldn't you assume that if someone asked you to eat some chili, that it would probably be okay because it was probably cool? Nope. Your whole mouth would have to sizzle and your lips would water before you found out that chili was actually the exact opposite of chilly! I've had myself a good cry over my friend's mom's chili and I had no idea I needed to cry before I sat down before that steaming bowl. As my eyelashes curled, all these emotions just released themselves... Ha!

There are so many oxymorons out there that noone can really say what they mean.

Momma

vitriol
noun

1. See sulfuric acid.
2. Any of various sulfates of metals, such as ferrous sulfate, zinc sulfate, or copper sulfate.
3. Bitterly abusive feeling or expression.

I'm at the grocery. A woman is in front of me waiting at the Customer Service Desk. She is maybe 40-45, dressed a tad blowzily. Her shoulders and jaw are set in a pose of indignation. I admit it; I'm curious to hear.

When the customer service lady approaches, Ms. Indignant starts in. It seems she doesn't care for the store coupons her grocery customer card is generating. Specifically, she doesn't care for the ones for Depends incontinence pads and Ensure nutritional suppliment. She has NEVER purchased either product, and she NEVER intends to, so she wants those coupons stopped RIGHT AWAY. She is ANGRY and EMBARASSED that the cashier looked at them before handing them to her.

Customer Service Lady (CSL) explains that the coupons are directed based on past purchases, and perhaps Ms. I has purchased similar items in the past? CSL then offers that cashiers often look at the coupons to see if any can be applied to the particular transaction that generated them.

Ms. I is shaking her head throughout this explanation. Never. Never, never, never. She begins to heap abuse on CSL, who remains cordial, professional, even in the face of this undeserved onslaught. Ms. I is overwrought; her voice is quivering.

I want to ask if anyone she loves has cancer. Because I bought those same items for my mother at the end of her battle. I bought them because she was too weak to go out, and it was something I could do for her. She was weak and malnourished, and I too would probably want the coupons stopped once I had no use for them anymore, though I doubt I would have been able to muster the emotional energy to even approach the issue.

But I don't ask. I stand and wait my turn, letting her spill her vitriol even after CSL has offered her a new grocery customer card with no history (declined) and given her a number at Corporate she could call where someone might be better able to assist her. She sputters off finally and leaves, and CSL has to say, "May I help you?" twice before I realize she is addressing me.

"Is that you, Mrs. Malaprop?"

My mother used to love telling the story of how, as a child, I referred to a rather run-down building as depilated rather than dilapidated. She thereafter would tell me a property looked shabby by referring to it as "cleanly shorn".

malaprop, malapropism
noun
The unintentional misuse of a word by confusion with one that sounds similar

WORD HISTORY “She's as headstrong as an allegory on the banks of the Nile” and “He is the very pineapple of politeness” are two of the absurd pronouncements from Mrs. Malaprop that explain why her name became synonymous with ludicrous misuse of language. A character in Richard Brinsley Sheridan's play The Rivals (1775), Mrs. Malaprop consistently uses language malapropos, that is, inappropriately. The word malapropos comes from the French phrase mal à propos, made up of mal, “badly,” à, “to,” and propos, “purpose, subject,” and means “inappropriate.” The Rivals was a popular play, and Mrs. Malaprop became enshrined in a common noun, first in the form malaprop and later in malapropism, which is first recorded in 1849. Perhaps that is what Mrs. Malaprop feared when she said, “If I reprehend any thing in this world, it is the use of my oracular tongue, and a nice derangement of epitaphs!”