You could be rich! Want to lose weight? Grow new hair overnight!

The offers pour into my email's spam box. In the past two days alone, I've been offered "no-risk" information about how to obtain a university degree by mail, buy prescription medications for less, and make money just by surfing the net.

My father's pet phrase for offers like these is

flim flam
noun
1. Nonsense; humbug.
2. A deception; a swindle.
"flimflam." The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. Answers.com 18 Jun. 2006. http://www.answers.com/topic/flimflam

Dream a little dream for me

Last night I dreamt Fond du Lac was actually named Fondue Lac and that was where we were on a vacation, but I was arguing with some man, who was a stranger, I think, and who was getting a little snotty about Wisconsin cheese superiority, because frankly, my two favorite cheeses are from Bavaria and England, in that order, and my husband kept holding me back because I was screaming and posturing for a fight, a physical fight, because cheese was apparently a very important issue to me and then the dream switched to something else that I can't remember, but I do remember wanting to kick that strange man something fierce and I was totally pumped for it.

belligerent
adjective
1. Inclined or eager to fight; hostile or aggressive.
2. Of, pertaining to, or engaged in warfare.
[Latin belligerāns, belligerant-, present participle of belligerāre, to wage war, from belliger, warlike : bellum, war + gerere, to make.]
"belligerent." The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. Answers.com 17 Jun. 2006. http://www.answers.com/topic/belligerent

For the record, I have never been in a physical altercation of any sort.

Yawn

I'm bored. I do the same things day in, day out. I need something exciting, something fascinating. I need... I need... a hobby!

parfilage
noun
The unravelling of gold or silver thread from laces, epaulets, tassels, etc.; fashionable as a pastime among ladies, esp. in France, in the latter part of the 18th century.
"parfilage." Worthless Words for the Day. Michael F. Fischer, 2005. Answers.com 16 Jun. 2006. http://www.answers.com/topic/parfilage

But not that one.

Adults left to their own devices

My friend E. and I are out on the town, alone, families ditched at home. We've eaten dinner; now we're shopping. No children demanding to be heard, no noses to wipe, no diapers to change. It's all very grownup and relaxed and quite a pleasant change.

And then E. asks, "What's invisible and smells like carrots?" I shake my head and say, "I don't know. What?" She looks me dead in the eye and says, "A bunny fart." And now we're laughing until we have tears in our eyes, and I can't wait to get home to share it with the oldest.

jocose
adjective
1. Given to joking; merry.
2. Characterized by joking; humorous.
[Latin iocōsus, from iocus, joke.]
"jocose." The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. Answers.com 14 Jun. 2006. http://www.answers.com/topic/jocose

Come again?

The youngest wants some sympathy. When I ask what's wrong, he tells me he hurt his toes. When I ask how, he tells me he was kicking his older brother. Then he asks for a hug.

I am immediately reminded of this story from yesterday, which reads in part:

A man who was beaten by employees of an auto parts store he was trying to rob is now suing the store and those employees.

Police say Dana Buckman entered the AutoZone in Rochester, New York, last July, brandished a semi-automatic pistol and demanded cash.

Eli Crespo and Jerry Vega – who were working that day – didn't cooperate. The pair beat the would-be robber with a pipe and held him at bay with his own gun.

Buckman escaped when the employees retreated into the store to call 911, but he was arrested a week later. Buckman pleaded guilty to first-degree robbery and was sentenced to 18 years in prison as a repeat violent felon.

But now, Buckman is suing the auto parts store and the two men who beat him, claiming they committed assault and battery and intentionally inflicted emotional distress.

"It seems to me a bit audacious," Patrick Naylon, the attorney for AutoZone, Crespo and Vega told CBSNews.com's Lloyd de Vries. "The plaintiff first tried to rob AutoZone with a gun, and now he's trying to rob it with a civil lawsuit."

audacious
adjective
1. Fearlessly, often recklessly daring; bold.
2. Unrestrained by convention or propriety; insolent.
3. Spirited and original.
[French audacieux, from Old French audace, boldness, from Latin audācia, from audāx, audāc-, bold, from audēre, to dare, from avidus, avid.]
"audacious." The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. Answers.com 13 Jun. 2006. http://www.answers.com/topic/audacious

2 large black bags later

I'm tidying the den when it hits me: there are entirely too many unplayed with toys in here. So I grab a black bag and get to work. Broken toys are trash. Toys outgrown and shabby-looking are trash. Toys missing parts are trash. Toys received free as part of a promotion are trash. Toys that have other places in other rooms are returned to said places.

When I'm done, the den looks much less like a dump. In fact, it looks downright

shipshape
adjective
Marked by meticulous order and neatness; tidy.
[Short for obsolete shipshapen, arranged as a ship should be : SHIP + shapen, past participle of SHAPE.]
"shipshape." The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. Answers.com 12 Jun. 2006. http://www.answers.com/topic/shipshape

Rhymes with stirrup

The oldest, who will be at the barn twice a week over the summer, wants to know. "Momma, what's the word for the noise? The one you make with your teeth and tongue and cheek? To make the horse move."

I have to think for a bit, but I finally remember.

chirrup
noun
1. A series of chirps.
2. A series of clucks or clicking sounds, such as those made to urge on a horse.
"chirrup." The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, 2004. Answers.com 11 Jun. 2006. http://www.answers.com/topic/chirrup